(Ya: Kaise tumhari Love Life meri 'Perfectly Organized' life ki dhajjiya uda rahi hai)
SEATBELT baandh lo. Emotional carnage incoming. Main thak chuka hoon. Sach mein. Mere paas ab sympathy ka stock khatam ho gaya hai aur mera logical processor overheat ho raha hai.
Main relationship mein nahi hoon. Main ek spectator hoon. Main wo Virgo hoon jo balcony seat pe baith ke wahi purani film ka 10th remake dekh raha hai. Script same hai. Dialogues same hain. Bas iss baar hero ka haircut alag hai aur naam kuch aur hai.
Aur tum aake mujhe bolti ho: "Yaar, this one is different."
Behen/Bhai, suno. Woh "different" nahi hai. Woh pichhle waale ka hi software update hai—naye bugs ke saath.
Phase 1: The "Main Judge Nahi Kar Raha" Archive
Tum bolti ho: "Tu hamesha negative sochta hai." Main negative nahi hoon. Main Virgo hoon. Main historian hoon. Main tumhari dating history ka chartered accountant hoon. Mere paas pichhle 5 saal ka loss statement Excel sheet mein pada hai.
Mujhe timeline pehle se pata hai:
Week 1: "He’s so mature. He listens." (Virgo POV: Nahi, woh bas abhi bol nahi raha. Wait kar.)
Week 3: "He’s just busy with work." (Virgo POV: Woh berozgaar hai. Maine LinkedIn check kiya tha.)
Week 5: "I don’t want to be toxic." (Virgo POV: Tum boundary set karne se dar rahi ho aur mujhe gussa aa raha hai.)
Week 7: "Men are trash." (Virgo POV: Aa gaye wapas mere logic pe?)
Aur phir? 3 mahine ka detox. "Healing Era" waali aesthetic reels. Aur phir wapas: "Yaar, I met someone cute."
Phase 2: Red Flags Ko "Decoration" Samajhna
Tum mujhe uske red flags aise batati ho jaise woh cute quirks hon.
"He’s emotionally guarded." Nahi. Woh Emotionally Under Construction hai aur contractor bhaag gaya hai.
"He doesn’t like labels." Haan, kyunki 'Accountability' sunke usko allergy hoti hai.
"He’s complicated." Beta, Algebra complicated hota hai. Yeh aadmi sirf confused hai. Tumhe lagta hai tum usse fix karogi? Tum saint nahi ho. Aur yeh tumhara KRA nahi hai.
Main beech mein bolta hoon: "Sun... kaat raha hai tera." Tum bolti ho: "Tu na bas jalta hai meri khushi se." Khushi? Kaunsi khushi? Jo raat ke 3 baje rone ke baad milti hai?
Phase 3: The 2.17 AM Emergency Call
Phir ek din phone bajta hai. Raat ke 2:17 AM. Mujhe screen dekhne ki zaroorat nahi hai. Mujhe pata hai kaun hai. Mujhe yeh bhi pata hai kya hua hai.
Ya toh usne "Seen" pe chhoda hai.
Ya usne kisi aur ki story like ki hai.
Ya usne bola: "I'm not ready for a relationship right now."
Tum ro rahi ho. Aur main? Main phone pe haan-hoon kar raha hoon, par andar se main script padh raha hoon jo maine 2 mahine pehle likh di thi. Maine tumhe Day 1 pe bola tha: "Iske joote gande hain aur yeh waiter se badtameezi kar raha hai. Yeh aadmi sahi nahi hai." Par tumne suna? Nahi.
Tum bolti ho: "But he’s not a bad person." Arey maine kab bola woh villain hai? Woh villain nahi hai. Woh bas ek glitch hai jise tum feature samajh rahi ho.
Phase 4: The "Sudhar Jayega" Delusion
Aur phir aata hai sabse khatarnaak dialogue: "He said he’ll change."
Of course he will. Aur main agle saal Pradhan Mantri banunga. Dono baaton mein same probability hai.
Suno dhyan se: red flag ko repaint karne se woh green nahi ho jaata. Woh bas pink dikhta hai—thoda aesthetic, par abhi bhi khatarnaak.
Tum phir believe kar leti ho. Kyunki tumhe uss insaan se pyaar nahi hai. Tumhe uske “potential" se pyaar hai. Tumhe uss version se pyaar hai jo tumhare dimaag mein rehta hai, reality mein nahi.
Phase 5: The Friend Who Stays (Main, Bechara Virgo)
Main tumhe judge nahi karta. (Jhooth. Poora judge karta hoon. Mere dimaag mein number kat chuke hain uske). Par main tumhe chhodunga nahi.
Mujhe pata hai tum phir girogi. Mujhe pata hai 2 mahine baad hum phir yahi baat kar rahe honge. Main phir "I told you so" nahi bolunga (shayaad ek baar bol doon). Main phir chai banaunga. Main phir uska Instagram stalk karunga tumhare saath aur bolunga "Shakal se hi chomu lagta hai."
Kyunki Best Friend hone ka matlab yeh nahi ki tumhe bachana hai. Matlab yeh hai ki jab tum khud ko phir se tod lo, toh main wahaan hoon sametne ke liye.
Par ek chhotisi request hai: Agli baar jab tum bolo "He’s different"... Toh kam se kam villain ka font change kar lena. Thoda plot twist de dena. Bore ho gaya hoon main same episode dekh ke.
Zodiac Observation (My Research Data)
Waise toh sab signs yeh galti karte hain, par meri calculation bolti hai:
My Clients (Most Likely To Romanticise Red Flags): Pisces, Libra, Leo. (Tum log red flag ko scarf bana ke pehen lete ho. Sudhar jao).
The "I Know Better" Squad (Most Likely To Ignore Advice): Cancer, Sagittarius. (Tumhari intuition kharaab hai, battery change karo).
The "Maine Toh Pehle Hi Bola Tha" Squad: Virgo (Me), Capricorn. (Hum sahi hote hain, par koi humari sunta nahi).
Aur sabse zyada affected kaun? Woh Virgo dost jise yeh sab sunna padta hai aur phir bhi tumhein block nahi kar paata.
Final Truth
Main tumhe rokunga nahi. Main tumhe shame nahi karunga. Main sirf yeh kahunga: Agar tum phir se same chapter padh rahi ho, aur ending change hone ki umeed kar rahi ho...toh shayad issue writer ka (yani uska) nahi, reader ka (yani tumhare) hai.
Chalo, ab tissue lo. Main chai bana ke laata hoon. Aur haan, agli baar date pe jaane se pehle mujhe uska Aadhar card dikha dena.
