(Ya: Jab andar se system hil gaya ho, par bahar se cool banna hai)
RELATIONSHIPS mein duniya ka sabse bada jhooth: “I’m chill yaar”. Har insaan bolta hai. Aur har insaan jhooth bolta hai.
Love mein koi chill nahi hota. Love mein sab panic mein hote hain. Bas sabka panic alag font mein type hota hai. Koi ro raha hai, koi spreadsheet bana raha hai, aur koi Instagram story pe sad Bollywood songs laga ke duniya ko dikha raha hai ki woh kitna unbothered hai.
Yeh raha zodiac-wise masterclass in emotional damage control. Note kar lo, kaam aayega jab woh tumhara kaat ke jayenge.
♈ Aries
Mujhe ghanta farq nahi padta.
Aries ka chill matlab hota hai: Main abhi react nahi karunga... par 12 minute ruk jao. Inka control bas tab tak rehta hai jab tak khoon ubal nahi jaata. Woh bolenge: It’s fine, bro. Let it be. Par unka fine itna loud hota hai ki padosi bhi aa ke poochte hain: Bhai, sab theek hai na?
Chill level: -10. Volume level: 110. Reality: Yeh phone phekne wale hain. Bach ke rehna.
♉ Taurus
Main stable hoon. Main bhaagta nahi.
Taurus ka chill matlab: Main clingy nahi hoon. Main bas ziddi hoon. Yeh 4 din tak tumhare text ka wait karenge. Khana nahi khayenge (jhooth, double khayenge). Aur jab tumhara hi aayega, toh yeh 3 ghante baad reply karenge: Haan, busy tha main bhi.
Reality: Busy? Tumne pichhle 1 ghante mein 40 baar chat open karke check kiya tha ki woh typing dikha raha hai ya nahi. Ego itna bada hai ki bhookh lagni band ho gayi hai.
♊ Gemini
We’re just vibing. Load mat le.
Gemini ka chill matlab: Main emotionally invested nahi hoon... par mere paas 17 screenshots saved hain. Inko casual rehna pasand hai. Par inka casual ek mini-documentary hota hai.
Ek personality bolti hai: Chhod na, kaun munh lage. Doosri personality bolti hai: Iska Aadhaar card nikalwao, mujhe sab jaanna hai. Reality: Inke dimaag mein 40 tab khule hain aur sab mein overthinking chal rahi hai.
♋ Cancer
Main attached nahi hoon. No expectations.
Cancer ka chill matlab: Maine humari shaadi imagine kar li hai, bacchon ke naam soch liye hain, par main tumhe pressure nahi dunga. Woh bolenge: It’s okay if you’re busy.
Par andar hi andar ek mental spreadsheet update ho rahi hai:
Usne goodnight nahi bola. (Strike 1)
Usne story pe heart react nahi kiya, sirf thumbs up kiya. (Strike 2)
Usne take care likha, love you nahi. (Maut)
Reality: Chill? Ghanta. Emotional surveillance chal raha hai yahan.
♌ Leo
Main desperate nahi hoon. I have standards.
Leo ka chill matlab: I am choosing not to chase. Main wait karunga ki kab tum meri value samjho. Woh ignore karenge. Phir ignore hone pe speech denge. Phir bolenge, I don’t beg.
Reality: Tum beg nahi karte. Tum perform karte ho. Tum chahte ho ki woh aayein aur tumhare pairon mein gir jayein taaki tum unhe utha ke bolo: Koi baat nahi. Agar spotlight hat gayi, toh Leo ka chill khatam.
♍ Virgo
Main overthink nahi kar raha. Main bas analyse kar raha hoon.
Virgo ka chill matlab: Main bas clarity chahta hoon. Aur clarity ke naam pe yeh tumhare pichhle 3 mahine ke behaviour ka audit karenge. Tumne uss din 2:15 pm pe aisa kyun bola tha?
Unka relaxed version bhi exam mode mein hota hai. Yeh ladte nahi hain. Yeh case file banate hain. Reality: Inhone tumhare text ka printout nikaal ke deewar pe chipka rakha hai.
♎ Libra
I just want peace. Ladna bekaar hai.
Libra ka chill matlab: I don’t want conflict, but I do want control. Yeh aawaaz nahi uthayenge. Yeh bas itne pyaar se manipulate karenge ki tumhe lagega galti tumhari hi thi.
End mein tum ro rahe hoge aur maafi maang rahe hoge. Aur Libra bolega: No no, baby. We’re good. Smile please. Reality: Yeh shanti nahi chahte, yeh chahte hain ki tum chup raho.
♏ Scorpio
Main intense nahi hoon. Main observe kar raha hoon.
Scorpio ka chill matlab: Main abhi kuch nahi bolunga. Main bas receipts ikkattha kar raha hoon. Woh shaant hain. Woh muskura rahe hain. Lekin unki aankhein tumhari aatma scan kar rahi hain.
Aur jab time aayega? Toh woh excel sheet of betrayal khulegi. Reality: Inka chill toofan se pehle ki shanti hai. Bhaag sako toh bhaag lo.
♐ Sagittarius
I don’t do drama. Life is too short.
Sagittarius ka chill matlab: Jaise hi baat serious hogi, main gayab ho jaunga. Woh commitment se allergic nahi hain. Woh boredom se allergic hain.
Unka love language hai: Let’s not label this. Translation: Main tumhe pasand karta hoon, par mujhe apni azaadi zyada pyaari hai. Reality: Yeh flight pakad ke nikal chuke hain. Tumhara message delivered bhi nahi hoga.
♑ Capricorn
Main practical hoon. Emotions se ghar nahi chalta.
Capricorn ka chill matlab: Maine decide kar liya hai ki yeh relationship chalega ya nahi. Woh invest karenge, par return on investment dekhne ke baad.
Agar tumne unka time waste kiya, toh tum write-off ho. Unka romance bina project plan ke exist nahi karta. Reality: Yeh pyaar nahi kar rahe, yeh merger and acquisition kar rahe hain.
♒ Aquarius
I need space. I need to think.
Aquarius ka chill matlab: Mujhe insaaniyat se break chahiye. Woh ghost nahi karte. Woh retreat karte hain apne dimaag ke kile mein.
Unke liye feelings ek research topic hain, experience nahi. Accha, toh mujhe dukh ho raha hai? Interesting. Reality: Inhone tumhe mute pe daal diya hai taaki yeh universe ke raaz suljha sakein.
♓ Pisces
Main delusional nahi hoon. Main hopeful hoon.
Pisces ka chill matlab: I can fix him or her. Woh red flag ko scarf bana ke pehen lete hain aur bolte hain: Waisa nahi hai, he’s just misunderstood.
Haan behen ya bhai. Tum bhi misunderstood ho. Tumhari life ek music video hai aur tum usme sad song pe slow motion mein chal rahe ho. Reality: Inka chill bas ek sapna hai. Uthte hi toot jayega.
The Final Truth
Sab signs chill hone ka natak karte hain. Bas unka coping aesthetic alag hota hai. Koi loud chill hai. Koi silent chill hai. Koi spreadsheet wala chill hai. Aur koi delusion wala chill hai. Love mein koi bhi sach mein fine nahi hota. Bas koi meme bana deta hai, aur koi diary likhta hai.
